Monday, 9 November 2009

Automatic Writing Session - 04/11/09

Stimulus – ‘Saturnid Moth’. 3 hr Session

Saturnid Moth Writing

“Who am I? What am I here for? What should I be doing? What should I look like. Have I got stuck? Can’t I just grow up? No one else had to search. No one was so lost. How so I find myself? What will it take? Who do I need to talk to? What do I need to achieve? Should I just be content? Or should I keep going? Searching for a better life a better me. I don’t know anymore I am lost & cannot see my inner light. Maybe I blotted it out a long time ago. How do I love? Will love help me. Am I better off alone. I can’t rely on someone else to be happy. They can walk away & leave me alone again. Hopeless way to live. I can’t go on it’s to hard suicide & death please take me now away from here still confused what the fuck to do when I never feel Alive am I already dead inside I call myself DEADBOY now a mirror image of my pain & questions made into a person that can stand in front of me to stop the real me from feeling pain Hopefully they can love him & I can hide & be at peace alone in deaths embrace This is my way the path i have chosen to walk. I am dead now a curses to my feelings those will get me nowhere I know not what to do I care not for no one  I don’t need people friends but I long for acceptance for people to tell me its OK. I know what it’s like but how could they? I am stuck in this reality & they cannot escape theirs to look at me the real me the dead me the fallen leaves that people walk on who am I to blame them it’s me who has the problem maybe I’m dyslexic maybe I’m insane maybe I am & this universe is my asylum but these drugs won’t mend me not God because it is not where I am I am alone & shall always be alone & as long as I don’t kill anyone I will be able to be alone for the rest of my years in this cold dark Cave to neglect my future my potential who Cares I amount to nothing anyway motivates nothing…(21 legible ‘nothings’ then nothing cannot be made out)” – I Am. I Am Not. I Am Nothing.

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