‘Circle & Cross’ – Deadboy
Stimulus – Birth.
“She is not with me. How can I trust anyone now I have lost her. Nothing is right & I seem further away from Love than ever before. How can this be I have caged myself put myself in a corner & now I am vulnerable to attack they will take this from me at least try but I cannot let them this is all I am nothing else is left of me I wish I could incarnate again try once more loose myself in the abyss become a radiant star shining in the flood of her desires. But I cannot bare the pain of lonelyness any longer no more all is lost & not right in the kingdom the princess still sleeps the knight is without a steed to pull his chariot that carries the graal keep it for my own? it is not mine. One of them asked me the time today I kept it to myself & withdrew the light kept it divided N.O.X what does that show you? I demanded answers it was the simple fact that I am ashamed not complete & I do not want her to see me like this I did not ask for this I did not know the journey would be so hard & I am too weak not like others I see them glistening & golden but I am silver & broken just like him & tried to fight with a God & have fallen I have lost everything in an instant & have forgotten the happiness I enjoyed it was my own fault tempted but I can only blame myself for taking the knife cross my heart hope to die stick a needle in my eye childhood was happy but I shame myself with what I did I was filth & hate the times before I sleep when these disgusting memories come back to remind me of what I am no better than an abomination I can never forgive myself only try to live with the pain that pain that has carried me it is the same pain that has divided us into different peoples of different tongues of different customs but the prophet says that it is for loves sake but how can love happen with so much pain we are born from pain & that pain never leaves us. There is nothing to do now but work alone by myself to know myself I will take two of everything that was saved from the water & build a forest, a city, a guild, a tower if it will please her still not a word comes from her peaceful slumber I do not have the courage sorry to disappoint that's all I ever do since birth I am disappointment & always will be this is my pain & the Joy of the World. Creator Forgive me for what I have become. Angel save me. Love find me.”
‘Birth’ - 8cm x 30cm. 2B Pencil on paper. Artist’s Blood. Varnishes.
Stimulus – Life (The Great Seal & Atlas Moth). 16:30 – 17:05. “This is the path I have chosen & I must walk it alone with no one to be my crutch I look to heaven &I see the destruction of great nations of free people reduced to slaves that serve in his horrible name Jesus the Nazarian who who shepherds his flock of sheep but they are not with us we are alone & walk in the light of the sun our secret centre our heart & tongue lance & graal turn me & make me a glorious Angel with black wings & four faces. But wait what is this Love? Love that is a lie told to small children propagated by idiots that know not what love is. There is NO compassion in LOVE. The universe is not made that way who says you are right? God? He left you & me a long time ago the old ways are Black & so is Love. I am not. I hate them all these who kill our Brothers & Sisters it is they who are the monsters them who should Be burned & left to rot in history as Devils that is exactly what they are those enemies of Liberty, Life, Light & LOVE I should End it for them They are a cancer for the rest of us. Have no compassion they show none the animals of our kingdom show none it is the way of things. I cannot & wont blame her for leaving me I won't she was being true to herself it is always me that is not true not pure blood will change me blood can help can’t it? For I have nothing else to lean on friends not I have none of those one should only need ones self that should be enough. who dies now? no one I guess I have not have I? One thing I do know is that I am not with my Love I long for her what must I do to show her I want her back Please love me please descend & meet me in union I am lost without you in my life but I am always so easily distracted by these Harlots Are they your gifts or a trick to take this Fool is what I am 11 are of us now what? When? Where should I go they try to take this work from me but I will not let them this is my will the Blood stains but is washed away in conviction of being wasted not but used to create Art Pure & True without Lust of Result or a care of the world thinks but always I long for acceptance for Union. I start to think the Blessing won’t ever find me No Keep on & care not feel Not. Pain Moves you & Will alone Saves.”
Life – 11cm x 30 cm. 2B Pencil on paper. Artists Blood. Varnishes.
Stimulus – None/Freehand (Striped agaric)
“why won’t this pain Stop. Am I making progress at? I think not. It has become harder for me to put down my thoughts my mind isn’t clear & these cuts remind me of past lives that hurt me in the Dark they come in their legions to bite at me I cannot Stop them what can I do Nothing seems to be going my way. My consciousness thinks sometimes of the cuts heal it is comforting in a way but you won’t find me bleeding & laughing in the corner of a dark room. No. This is my expression a way of entering this universe & communicating with the divine When my arm bleeds it becomes my palette, my blood is my paint & the dagger is my brush. These are weapons I have chosen to arm myself & I love my tools like they are a part of me. The paint especially moves me makes me feel alive & at rest. Strange my blood gives me calm & focus while another's fills me with ecstasy & desires. Tut to structured where has my connection to the divine disappeared too? These words are forced connected to one another Trapped to they & I. Free myself by blood I hope I can I do not want to be stuck in this place it is not my vision. Curse it & throw it in the fire. Send it away.”
Nothing - Unfinished.
After this experiment I have decided that to help preserve my work I shall varnish all my sessions.
Stimulus – Death (Morel Stinkhorn)
I am not real. I am you. Part of the whole but not complete. I am Death & the bringer of change. Nothing is still for very long for the death of Autumn is a part of the whole & the wheel cannot turn without it. But what of after I can not say here for I would not understand much. Ask a question. How do I die? will it hurt much? I do not fear death only more pain. I hate pain & fear knows it using pain as a device to control my thoughts & actions. You think to much is it not enough that you have some time than none at all? Better to have a little than none at all? True but when I die will all I have experienced be lost? Lost in a void no one to remember my first kiss? no one to remember that time I came home late & my dad hit me round my head? Once something is done it cannot be undone & although it is true that I will forget & no longer experience this world the universe can never forget that which has been done. For is it not the past that shapes the future? Does not even a butterfly decide a part in the future of Man? Death is the end as I know it. Senses will end & no longer will you be Trapped by the 5, maybe return to the 1 the 0 or the 1,2,3, (infinity). All is none & you are no exception. Oh but what now? Can I achieve all that I am before I die? Transform can I? I don’t believe it . Something I feel stops me. I am my own enemy. I is a slave to they & to I. Then kill it off Die. Take I away & bring me annihilation & peace. Oh cold death refreshing clear without sound & without taste. Without smell & without touch. Sleep without sight awaken from his dream locked in a dream. Death is the Key. Smell the roses for a while you have time yet. How you die has already been written but is decided by you so you will accept it & allow yourself to move. Now reach fulfilment of your promise the contract will Terminate & you can have release. Feast for Death for it is the Greatest celebration of All. Of All ask not now it will be shown to you at a later Time what is that & how will it Stop All Stop.
Death - Unfinished.
Stimulus – Union. Started 15:53 – ended 16:35.
“I have it branded to my skin now there for me to see it is a seal to lock away my heart so that I cannot love anymore anyone go away this heart will not give anymore I wish to transform myself from pain to an spectacle of love, joy & overwhelming bliss is what I will find in my union from fool is what I am & 11 is my number 5+6 is the sum of my equation but where is my Babalon? let me fill your cup oh Harlot let me fill you my dagger has blood for you to lick off its edge & the taste is ecstasy like your embrace where are you now for it is I your champion who calls for you my beautiful slave who is also my only master no one else does this black knight serve only you my Goddess come with me & we shall come together & always in loves name shall we enjoy each other for now without your love I am alone in a dark room caged in with Demons that hate me & wish to consume my body, soul & heart head lance & graal but it is your glyph that protects me that reminds me that I can never be slain for I am the champion of my princess & her love will protect if I only search for her but she is far from me now fuck pain I cry & die inside from her absence if we are divided for loves sake for a chance of union let that time of passing be now I am ready to receive you but I do not deserve you but you come to me eventually once this knight has conquered the monsters & found your naked splendour arched waiting to be loved & oh how i do love thee Nuit but yes I know hush to say these things is not enough enough I understand but I do not know how to do for now to love for now I am dead I have nothing to give nothing to offer I must fill your graal now enough away I must go do not entertain me any longer I must go now & earn your love to transform is a great thing a great thing indeed together our love is perfection the God of this kingdom & together we are Gods to rule this universe in perfection untamed.”
Union – Unfinished
Stimulus – ‘Saturnid Moth’. 3 hr Session
“Who am I? What am I here for? What should I be doing? What should I look like. Have I got stuck? Can’t I just grow up? No one else had to search. No one was so lost. How so I find myself? What will it take? Who do I need to talk to? What do I need to achieve? Should I just be content? Or should I keep going? Searching for a better life a better me. I don’t know anymore I am lost & cannot see my inner light. Maybe I blotted it out a long time ago. How do I love? Will love help me. Am I better off alone. I can’t rely on someone else to be happy. They can walk away & leave me alone again. Hopeless way to live. I can’t go on it’s to hard suicide & death please take me now away from here still confused what the fuck to do when I never feel Alive am I already dead inside I call myself DEADBOY now a mirror image of my pain & questions made into a person that can stand in front of me to stop the real me from feeling pain Hopefully they can love him & I can hide & be at peace alone in deaths embrace This is my way the path i have chosen to walk. I am dead now a curses to my feelings those will get me nowhere I know not what to do I care not for no one I don’t need people friends but I long for acceptance for people to tell me its OK. I know what it’s like but how could they? I am stuck in this reality & they cannot escape theirs to look at me the real me the dead me the fallen leaves that people walk on who am I to blame them it’s me who has the problem maybe I’m dyslexic maybe I’m insane maybe I am & this universe is my asylum but these drugs won’t mend me not God because it is not where I am I am alone & shall always be alone & as long as I don’t kill anyone I will be able to be alone for the rest of my years in this cold dark Cave to neglect my future my potential who Cares I amount to nothing anyway motivates nothing…(21 legible ‘nothings’ then nothing cannot be made out)” – I Am. I Am Not. I Am Nothing.